I am upset. I don't know what
the hell I did which made me disappointed. I am a man, possessing rubbish
thoughts. I hate my thoughts , my thoughts originate from my feelings, i hate my
feelings, my feelings are produced by me, i hate myself. I don't know what I am
writing, what I want to write, what the message I am going to convey. If I am
unaware of what I am doing, then you would be thinking that what the hell I have
done and what the absurd you are doing while reading this passage. I am not
delighted to leave you in confusion. I am going to tell you, what I am going to
say. But the problem is like, what I am going to say, I can't express. The
expression acquires words and the words are gained through reading. I am not
fond of reading. So I don’t have words to communicate the thoughts that are
already hated by me.
I am a churlish person. The thing I can't do, I rarely allow others to do. I
follow dog in manger policy. It was my Achilles heels that whenever I don't
achieve the position in my group, I often hate position holders. When I don't
win the debate, I curse the winners. Even when I realized that she doesn’t have
love for me, I threw acid on her face, not allowing others to love her, because,
I didn't want to let her embraced by others. It was not my love. Whatever I did,
was suggested by my mind. The mind that did so, is now floating the ideas at the
speed of 121 km/h towards my pen. I again want to memorize you that my mind is
full of silly notions, so stop reading and leave the page quietly. What the hell
you are reading? I don't know why continuously you are reading the futile
writings of a man of straw. You are getting your time wasted; I don’t know it’s
your hobby or something else.
Today I was disappointed. How I got despaired? Let me provide you a brief of
what I did today. But I am in state of great agitation while telling you, what I
did today. I know whatever I did was morally wrong. I've realized now that it
was wrong. When I was doing so, I thank, I was going right but now I am at the
result that I went wrong. The wrong I did, others may or may not do so. You
would be thinking that what the hell I've did today, I am going to tell you. I
know you may agree disagree, like or dislike, I've done. You may hate me for
such ill-mannered acts done by me. It's your matter. It’s matter of your mind to
decide that am I demon drunk that I am mentioning here silly as well as
ceaseless ideas? I apologize for leaving your mind in trouble. The well you are
reading. The hell you are getting. I apologize for that too.
Today Ali suggested me to go for Namaz, instead of waiting for teacher. The
teacher was about to come and deliver his lecture, so I floated about to give
company to my friend. Ali emphasized lot but I denied by saying that; the
teacher I am waiting for says "Allah likes students". Does Allah do so? It was
immaterial to me. I gave importance to lecture and asked him that Allah likes to
see you in Masjid, and me attending the lecture. In like manner I told him that
you should go for Namaz, it’s your passion, I am going to see my second god
which is my teacher. But I was startled to see my second god, (teacher)
worshiping God. In fact he was offering Namaz to which I gave second importance
than his lecture.
An act to which I gave less importance was simultaneously performed by my most
preferred teacher. God decided better; I missed Namaz, He made my lecture
missed. I was shocked to listen that today's lecture is no more taking place, so
the students are supposed to leave the class.
What the hell I did and the hell you read. But I and you got the same "God
decided better". God always decides better.