It stood there shimmering in
the sunlight, reflecting light in all directions, making the room more vibrant,
more bright. I walked towards it; I came closer, sunlight fell on my face. It
was covering an entire wall. This glass window was huge, yet what lay before it
was bigger, larger------a huge maze -----a maze of life-----busy life----rushing
life.
“Fatima I am leaving for work, will be back in the evening.” Murtaza’s voice
entered my ears flouting my thoughts. I turned back to look at him. “ Keep the
door closed while I am gone and don’t open doors to strangers.”He said and left.
I stared at the closed door, struggling to assimilate his words. Not only words,
I was struggling to assimilate all that was there in the surrounding since a
long time.
“So tell me?”More words echoed in my mind just then. “ How is life? And how’s
Karachi?” Cousin Ayesha had asked excitedly on phone one day. But somehow I
couldn’t answer. How can you answer something that you yourself don’t know? It
seemed answers suddenly abandoned me and only questions remained, engulfing my
being. Being born and raised in a middle class family in Lahore, my simple and
straight routine life altered almost overnight one day. I came home from GC
University, Lahore where I was doing Bachelors in History to find out that my
marriage had been fixed with Murtaza, a young but successful businessman from a
respectable well-established family in Karachi. And at the age of 20, I left my
studies to get married to him who after nikah brought me with him from Lahore to
Karachi.
“Fatima you think your family doesn’t know what’s best for you?”, Amma had asked
astounded as I questioned her few days before nikah.
I was quiet. I couldn’t utter a word. Not that I doubted my family’s choice,
ofcourse they were my family they will decide the best for me. I also did not
have anything against marriage, arrange marriage or even an early marriage for
that matter, it all had worked quite well in many cases. And even though I
understood very well that one cannot anticipate their future after getting
married and marriage is just a part of life not complete life, yet, it can give
many pertinent shapes to life. I knew all this then what was it that was
plaguing me?
It hit me then. It was “Karachi”. Chaotic and lawless, secular, utterly volatile
urban mass, the city by the sea had lots of names and I had seen, heard and read
them all on media. I always wanted to ask Karachiwalay how they manage to live
there? With broken, filthy roads, colossal traffic jams, clinging rotting stench
of trash to add to the paradox? But this was Karachi------my new home, my new
life. And was the girl who never had the courage to stay away from home never
mind manage alone set to begin her new life so far away? Especially in an
undecipherable place like Karachi? Once again words had abandoned me.
“I want to get familiar “, I told Murtaza at dinner table one night while we ate
dinner
“Familiar with what? ” he asked quizzical.
“ Familiar with this city. It’s been six months since we came here yet the only
places I have been are your parents’ and relatives’ homes. I want to explore the
place where I have to live perhaps for the rest of my life, I want to know, I
want to belong. Can you take me to the beach I still haven’t seen, tomorrow is
Sunday??”, I continued hopefully. “Maybe I can also start my studies where I
left off. Can you tell me some good educational institutions here?”
Murtaza stopped eating and crossed his arms infront, “Do know you it’s not safe
to venture out in this city or are you playing naive?” He said in a high voice.
“No I am not naive I know it’s not safe….” I tried replying in a weak voice not
meeting his eyes.
” And I am not free for your nonsense ideas.” He interrupted. “I don’t
understand why you need to study when it’s not needed? Just stay home and take
care of the household.” he continued. He left the table and picked up a book on
sales from the bookshelf leaving for reading room. I looked down at my half
eaten dinner plate. Silence prevailed, a silence so strong it was defeaning.
“Why you haven’t still been anywhere?” Ayesha asked astounded as she talked to
me on phone a few days later. “ Is everything Ok?” she continued.
“ Ofcourse.” I replied. “Murtaza is a nice guy. I am comfortable. He gives me
everything and cares for me.” I continued “It’s just that life is so fast here,
everyone seems to be busy even Murtaza, he leaves in the morning and comes back
late at night then retires to his reading even his parents are busy living
separately. I want to get the taste of life here but Murtaza says it’s not
safe.”
I talked some more then put down the phone. A deep sense of yearning hit me
suddenly; I just want to understand I said under my breath as I saw that huge
glass window that stared out at Karachi.
“So finally have you adjusted to your new home?” Rehana, my next door neighbour
a friendly lady of 51 years of age asked smiling one day.
“ No and I don’t think I ever will.” I replied. My bitterness visible in my
tone, although, I tried my best to hide it.
She stared at me for a second or two. It seemed she had noticed my tone. “ Here
try this pudding I just prepared, it’s fresh.” Then said seriously in a soft
voice, “Beta when it rains you have to decide to either stand on the withered
sodden path or to walk”
I looked at her “But you can’t walk alone especially in a strange daunting
place? Can you?” I asked.
“ But you also can’t always have someone to walk with. Then what do you do?
Stand afraid and get drenched? Besides, who knows? Once you start walking it
might not be as bad as you assumed it to be and you might reach a place where
the skies are clear and not gray. Now dear I have some work to do. Try the
pudding and tell me how it is later.” she said and left. I kept staring at her
as she left. I pondered on her words.
“I am resuming my studies.” I told Murtaza at dinner after two days. He stopped
eating and stared at me as if I had sprouted horns.
I continued “I know you told me there’s no need for studying. But there’s a need
because I want to complete my studies. Firstly I didn’t know how. Then I asked
Najma, you know the daughter of Rehana aunty, our neighbour? She told me about
this old but reputed college three blocks away from here, she herself had
completed her Bachelor of Arts from there, I visited that college this morning.”
“Are you out of your mind?” Murtaza asked.
“At first I was very scared going alone remembering all the crime scenes I have
watched on TV and also considering the fact that I had never managed to go out
alone and do anything on my own back in Lahore”, I said “There was huge traffic
and a huge crowd on roads adding to my fear but the college was not that far so
I decided to walk. I asked for directions from the people on my way reluctantly,
but surprisingly nobody misguided. They cooperated and even showed respect
calling me sister, madam. I finally found the college. I talked to the admission
section, they were professional in their dealing and luckily the admissions are
open at the moment.”
“Did you tell your family about this?” Murtaza asked angrily
“I talked to amma about it on phone she doesn’t have any issues. I will be back
by 2 in the afternoon. Classes are from 8-1 pm daily. Trust me it will not
disturb my household life.” I replied
‘ What nonsense! I told you it’s not safe…” Murtaza tried saying
“ It’s not that bad either.” I interrupted him. “You have also been living here
in this city since birth right? You Karachiwalay are still managing in the same
uncertain conditions?” I continued, “ And one more thing I plan to go to the
beach this week. I will ask Najma to go with me if she can’t then I will manage
to go alone. You don’t have to disturb your routine for me.” I said
matter-of-factly, I looked him in the eyes, my stare unflinching, then I looked
down at my dinner plate and started finishing the rice, calmly.
I could feel his eyes on me as I ate. He remained silent; he kept staring, after
a long and uncomfortable pause that seemed like eternity, he finally said, “You
don’t have to go with anyone else or alone I will go with you.” He finished his
dinner then got up and left for his usual reading.
I saw him leaving then I got up and came to the big glass window. I looked out
at the rush, at the city that never sleeps. One could never understand standing
on the surface, one had to dive to realize, I thought. The wonder that is
Karachi as a whole and how it worked despite its conditions finally making
sense. Laurent Grant’s “Karachi: Ordered disorder and the struggle for the city”
I read earlier finally making sense.
At last, had a lot to tell Ayesha, a light smile touched my lips at the thought.
Perhaps I still couldn’t tell what Karachi was? But it did stand out as walking
on its two feet in the face of gale looking it bravely in the eyes. Perhaps I
couldn’t walk as yet but it did show me to stand firmly on my own feet. A time
might come when I might walk as strongly and independently facing what come may.
A time might come when I will teach and enlighten other’s path just as I was
shown the way not in the 20 years of my life but in a few months in this unusual
place.
I looked at the radiant lights. The glowing, lustrous lights in the city of
lights stared at me. I smiled and stared back.