"To Allah we belong and
to Him is our return"
Bismillah
“I don’t know the key to success but the key to failure is trying to please
everybody”
This one lined quote summarizes it all. Let’s face it, you can’t please
everybody at the same time. There’s a lot at stake, your time, your energy,
making a commitment.
Here are 15 ways through which you can stop being a people pleaser without
feeling bad or grim.
1. Learn how to say “NO” - Sounds very common and basic but it requires a lot of
practice. If you don’t stand up for yourself, no one will. It’s your life, take
control. Don’t get bullied and agree to do things you don’t want to. Like
someone wants to borrow your stuff or wants to meet up or needs a favor. Be
truthful instead of lying or making something up. Say it with conviction. You
should realize that you have a choice, an option “JUST SAY NO”.
2. Set your own rules - Don’t do something which you think isn’t right, just for
the sake of pleasing someone. Make principles and stick to them. And be firm
that people will remember that in the future. People pleasers usually allow
others to walk all over them, they don’t have a mind of their own. Believe me if
you’re a no-nonsense kind of a person, you won’t be bothered much from friends
with silly requests or demands.
3. Huqooq–ul- Allah subhanahu wata’aala: (Allah’s Rights) – Focus on making your
creator “ALLAH subhanahu wata’aala” happy rather than people. As a Muslim its
our belief that we are sent on this earth to please and obey Allah subhanahu
wata’aala. We practice this in our daily routine but there’s always room for
perfection. Offer Salah on time with khushoo and khuzoo, give alms regularly not
just annually, fast in the month of Ramadan. We all know our duties but we have
to draw the line sometimes like for instance; don’t miss out on salaah by
agreeing to go shopping with a friend for long hours. Don’t sacrifice your roza/fast
just to throw an iftar (feast/food for breaking the fast) party. It’s so common
in our households that we waste the most precious time of the fast in preparing
iftar and having guests over. Saving up for kid’s college education or for their
fancy wedding and postponing Hajj. These examples are seen in every household.
Postponing Hajj for a more appropriate time .We focus on competing with society
and in the process forget the sole purpose of being on this Earth.
4. Huqooq-ul Ebad (People’s Rights) -
Co-operate with one another for virtue and heedfulness and do not co-operate
with one another for the purpose of vice and aggression.
{Surah Al Maidah 5: Verse 2}
There’s a huge difference between pleasing people and Huqooq–ul Ebad. Huqooq ul
Ebad is defined, as the things that are required of you, which are needs, your
ikhlaq, doing good. Whereas pleasing someone can be classified as a want or a
demand. The sooner you realize that you can’t make everyone happy the better.
Indeed, the noblest among you before God are the most heedful of you.
{Surah Al Hujarat 49: Verse 13}
And in their wealth there is acknowledged right for the needy and destitute.
{Surah Adh Dhariyat 51: Verse 19}
The needy people from your family, the orphans, the travelers and the poor
deserve a portion from your wealth. It is their right.
5. “ME” Time - Be easy on yourself. Do the things that you enjoy doing. Practice
things which you feel are right. Identify the things that make “YOU” happy. Like
reading a good book, doing something meaningful, cooking an excellent meal,
being organized, spending time with your family etc. Your body and soul is your
responsibility and how you treat it today you are answerable to Allah subhanahu
wata’aala on the Day of Judgment, so use your body and mind wisely and
productively.
6. Carpe Diem (seize the day) - Most of us like to procrastinate a lot and
that’s how we become unhappy. Some of us are champions in this field. We delay
the things that are important to us and just simply waste time by being on the
Internet most parts of the day. Watching re-runs of our favorite shows which we
have seen before a zillion times. And think we have nothing better to do so we
agree to do favors for other people. Live everyday as it’s your last. So instead
of wasting time with people and doing the things which are of no meaning to you,
make your own plans and seize every opportunity you get for achieving them. The
future starts today not tomorrow. Death can come at any time so be prepared and
don’t leave things for tomorrow which you can be easily done today.
“Don’t count the days, make the days count.”
- Muhammad Ali
7. Time Limit - If you really have to commit to someone, set a time limit. For
example make it perfectly clear that “I’m available only between 7pm-9 pm and
this day”. In that way you can carry out your other responsibilities around that
time frame. The value of time is emphasized in Islam through 5 time prayers and
Surah Asr is also about the reality of life; time gone by is irreversible.
By time, Indeed mankind is in loss, except for those who believed and done
righteous deeds and advised each other to truth and advised each other to
patience.
{Surah Asr 103: Verse 1-3}
‘TIME’ is a real luxury that can never be purchased at any cost.
8. Be Assertive - Assertion with politeness. Be straight forward and to the
point. Make your point without being fierce. Keep in mind that tomorrow you may
be the one who needs someone’s assistance so never be cruel or think that you
are God forbid, invincible. People have feelings so put yourself in their shoes
before making a swift judgment. Islam teaches us to be polite and cultured at
all times.
9. Offer Advice - Good, moral and ethical advice. Not just taking off the burden
from your shoulders or getting the other person to just shut up. Draw on your
experiences that “I did that when I was facing this problem or situation” Advice
is simple and yet not time consuming. Tell them the right thing to do.
10. Prioritize (Charity begins at home) - When you know your priorities you will
know when to say “yes” and when to say “no. A good person always sets his/her
priorities. Like a good wife is expected to take care of the household, her
husband, children and in some cases elderly parents living with them. Working
women are required to balance home and outside work. Your duty is to attend to
them first and then make a commitment to someone else. Knowing your priorities
and values helps you put the brakes on people pleasing. A woman is nearest to
Allah subhanahu wata’aala when she is in her home taking care of the family and
the household.
11. Back biting for pleasure (Ghebaah) - One of the most loved and cherished
activity of the women of today is Ghebaah/ backbiting/slander. We usually back
bite to make please people. We call friends or neighbors to catch up on the
gossip. We provide it as a public service. And we all know what the consequences
of this act are. And when someone stops us from doing so: that stop Ghebaah we
say “hey we are telling the truth we are not making it up” this is the very
definition of Ghebaah if we state someone’s bad qualities that actually exist in
him than its pure Ghebaah and if we are exaggerating or making stuff up than its
tuhmat (accusation) which is an even bigger sin.
There is a Hadith narrated by Abu Huraira: The Prophet Mohammad salallahu aleyhi
wasallam said,
The worst people in the Sight of Allah on the Day of Resurrection will be the
double faced people who appear to some people with one face and to other people
with another face.
[Sahih Al- Bukhari]
And Allah subhanahu wata’aala has said in the Quran:
O you who have believed, avoid much suspicion, for some suspicions are sins. Do
not spy, nor should any one backbite the other. Is there any among you who would
like to eat the flesh of his dead brother?’ Nay, you yourselves abhor it. Fear
Allah, for Allah is Acceptor of repentance and All-Merciful.
{Surah Al Hujarat 49: Verse 12}
So if someone has a juicy story to tell you about someone, instead of agreeing
to catch up on the gossip, politely decline or change the subject. Believe me
you will be doing yourself a favor.
12. Always be Positive & Confident - Many people-pleasers tend to focus on the
negatives and that makes them loose their confidence. And a lack of confidence
can cause people pleasing. You can stay positive by staying on top of things and
by keep reminding yourself of all the good you have done. If it helps keep a
journal of your achievements and document all the goals, deadlines, targets that
you have achieved in the past.
13. Don’t Lie - The easiest thing to do is lie. People always feel that it’s
better to lie than to complicate a discussion. It’s a sure thing that you will
be caught later. Most of us usually make up excuses saying I’m busy doing so &
so but in reality we are doing something else. It’s better to say what you will
actually be doing so if the other person finds out you won’t lose face. In the
Holy Quran lying is defined as a disease of the heart.
“In their hearts is disease, so Allah has increased their disease; and for them
is a painful punishment because they [habitually] used to lie.”
{Surah Al Baqarah 2: Verse 10}
So next time try to remember this verse before making false excuses or false
compliments just for the sake of pleasing people.
14. Know the difference between Flattery and Manipulation - Some people just
like to butter people up; it’s a habit of theirs and that’s how they get other
people to do their work. For example: “you are the best cook in the family, can
you make 2 of your special dishes for my Eid dinner, everyone loves your food.
Manipulation is always backed with flattery so beware. If you get a phone call
or a visit that started with praises expect a favor in return. Don’t get
manipulated and be ready with a defensive statement. Especially young girls
don’t get fooled by flattery particularly coming from a boy.
15. Taken for granted - Don’t let people take you for granted. When I was taking
a break from my education & work people used to take me for granted, like I had
nothing to do. Which was an insensitive assumption. I was always getting calls
for baby-sitting, report writing, grocery shopping. The thing is make it clear
that you have a life of your own. You took time off for you, not for running
errands for others. People make false assumptions, your job is to clear that
misconception as explicitly as possible. When we have out-of-towners in the city
they always assume that they can stay with you, and can be their tour guide, and
their cook, their maid.
Every situation is different and it totally depends on the person in question.
So make your choices wisely without being manipulated. I hope you all benefit
from this article. May Allah subhanahu wata’aala make us all better and
practicing muslimahs. Ameen.