What is the quality that all successful people
have in common? They have mastered the art of dealing with people! A human
relation is the science of dealing with people in such a way that our egos and
their egos remain intact. The reason 90 per cent of the people fail in life is
failure to deal successfully with people. The doctors, the lawyers, the
salesperson who enjoy the most success are not necessarily the ones who are the
most skilled in their job. The husband and wife who are the happiest are not the
ones who are the most attractive.
Understanding the human ego
The first law of human relations is “people act or fail to act, largely to
enhance their own egos.” Because the human ego is such a precious thing to its
possessor, and because a person will go to all extremes to defend against what
he perceives as threats to his ego, the word egotism has a negative connotation.
Every human being is a special, individual personality, always ready to defend
his ego against all enemies. That is why you cannot treat people as machines. If
you are on good terms with yourself, you are on good terms with others.
Ego-hunger is as universal and natural as the hunger for food. Ego of each
person needs respect approval and a sense of accomplishment. A starved ego is a
When self-esteem is at a high level, people are easy to get along with. When
self-esteem is at a low ebb, trouble comes easily. And when self-esteem gets low
enough, almost anything can become a threat. To that person a critical look or a
harsh word can seem like a calamity.
Develop the habit of paying at least five sincere compliments each day and watch
how much smoother your relations with others become. Help others to like
themselves better and satisfy their hunger for self-esteem.
Making people feel important
Never make the mistake of assuming that just because someone is successful or
famous, they have no need or feeling of importance.
Courtesy and politeness are merely ways in which we acknowledge the importance
of the other person. Little things that are apparently unimportant actions can
have such tremendous consequences in the field of human relations. Remember that
it takes only a small spark to start a fire. And little things you do and say
can set off a chain reaction.
If you want to make a good impression on others, the best way is to let them
know that they impress you. You should know when to correct others. Ask
yourself: does it make any real difference that they are right or wrong? Don’t
try to win all the little battles! If nothing else is involved except the
person’s ego, why bother?
Controlling the actions and attitudes of others
Dealing with others is as though we are standing before a mirror. When we smile,
the person in the mirror smiles; when we frown, they frown; and when we shout,
they shout back. Knowing this you can control others’ emotions to an amazing
degree. When you find yourself in an explosive situation, lower the tone of your
voice and keep it low. This will literally force others to keep their voices
It is a sad but a true fact that many of mediocre ability get further than those
who have outstanding talents because they know how to control their actions.
Watch your walk; your physical actions express your mental attitude. See someone
walking with head and eyes down and you are looking at a pessimistic soul. Use
the magic switch of a smile. Everyone is blessed with a cute smile. It’s just a
matter of letting it out. If you are not using your smile, you’re like someone
with a million in the bank and no chequebook.
Those who accept and like people just as they are, have the most influence in
changing others’ behaviour for the better. Approval means something more
positive as it goes beyond just tolerating faults and find something we can
You can always find something to approve of in others. It may be something small
and insignificant. Seek things out, praise, and watch people glow! The word
‘appreciates’ means to raise in value. Stop and consider how others are valuable
to you. We all want to be recognized for our own unique worth. Start using the
triple ‘A’ formula for attracting people.
Learning to communicate effectively
One thing successful people have in common is the skill in using words. Earning
power and word skill are so closely tied together that you can safely expect to
increase your earnings simply by increasing your word power. Small talk is
necessary to get the wheels of conversation turning. Realizing this will enable
you to start a conversation even with a perfect stranger.
Get people to talk about themselves. Try warming up the other person with words
like “Where are you from? What do you think of our weather? What business are
you in? These questions get the others talking about themselves. They break the
ice as they see that you are interested in them. You don’t have to search for a
topic of mutual interest. You start them off on the one topic they are expert
You are a human, too, and it is natural to be tempted to talk about yourself.
You want to shine; you want to impress others. But you will rate much higher in
others’ estimation if you turn the conversation to them rather than to yourself.
Others will have a much higher opinion of you.
We make sarcastic remarks hoping that others will recognize our cleverness.
Teasing and sarcastic remarks are both aimed at the self-esteem of others, and
anything that threatens the self-esteem is a dangerous business, even when done
Oliver Wendell Holmes wrote, “To be able to listen to others in a sympathetic
and understanding manner is perhaps the most effective mechanism in the world
for getting along with the people and tying up their friendship for good.”
Successful people encourage others to talk, and to keep on talking, while
keeping their own mouths shut. You increase their self-esteem by this; for
everyone likes to think that they have something to say that is worth saying.
When someone opposes our ideas, we take it as a threat to our ego. We become
hostile and try to ram our ideas down our opponent’s throat. This is not the way
to win. The only way to win an argument is to get others to change their minds
in a friendly way. Tell someone their ideas are stupid and they will defend them
forever. Use threats and they simply close their minds against your ideas,
regardless of how good they may be. There is only one-way to get an idea
accepted — by suggestion. Try to slip an idea into someone’s subconscious, more
or less unnoticed.
Praise gives us new energy and new life. All you have to do is to give sincere
praise to someone each day, and notice how it helps them to do better. If
someone does you a small favour, show your appreciation and give them credit by
saying ‘thank you.’ If there is someone who irritates you, begin looking for
something for which you can compliment them. If they bite your head off, maybe
they have nice teeth. So, compliment them on their teeth.
Criticizing without offending
The word ‘criticism’ leaves a bad taste in our mouths. The real art of criticism
is not to beat others down, but to build them up. It is not to hurt feelings,
but to help people do a better job. Criticism must be done in absolute privacy.
The mildest form of criticism in the presence of others is likely to be
resented. Preface criticism with a kind word or compliment. Make criticism
impersonal; criticize the act, not the person.
By pinpointing your criticism to their actions, you can pay them a compliment
and build up their ego at the same time: “I know from past experience that this
error is not typical of your usual performance.” Remember, to call attention to
an error once is justified, twice is unnecessary, three times is nagging. Your
goal in criticizing is to get a job done, not to win an ego fight.
Skill in human relations is similar to skill in any other field, in that success
depends on understanding and mastering certain basic general principles. The one
successful way to get the things you want from life is to acquire skill in
dealing with people.
Posted By: Syeda Mahwish Fatima